That's Mr. Cross to You

Dear Darius or Selena,

I realise you have a job to do and that you’re just trying to create a safe and warm environment for me but the reason I’ve called you is because I have a problem with my Internet connection, mobile phone, cable, bank account or, more likely, all of the above. I haven’t called you to ask you over for dinner or out to a movie. I’m not enquiring as to the health or well being of your family, I have a problem that needs fixing, nothing more, nothing less.

I know this may seem harsh but I really don’t want to be your ‘bestest friend forever’, or even for the next fifteen minutes, what I want is for you to attend to and fix my problem.

Yes I am upset, because I had to press button two, three times, the 'hash' button four times and finally button one, twice, then listen to ten minutes of Andre Rieu, just to get this far and I did get upset that my call did not seem to progress in the line as quickly as I was led to believe. Yes of course I did mind holding but no, in the spirit of fair play, I don’t mind this phone call being recorded for coaching purposes.

However, there’s one thing that really does irritate me and that’s being asked by you, someone I’ve never met and in all probability never will, if you can call me by my first name. My name, until we have been formally introduced by a close mutual friend, (no Facebook friends do not count), and known each other for a much longer period of time, is Mr. Cross. I realise I’m older than you, grumpier than you and probably not as computer literate as you, however I have reached a stage in my life where I would like to be called ‘Mr. Cross”, and not ‘Peter’, by a twenty something who lives in Melbourne, Manilla or Macau; call me old fashioned. No, I didn’t mean that literally.

Please do not take this personally; it’s not meant as an insult. I know the chances of us ever speaking again are very limited so let’s not pretend there is any real connection between us. Oh I’m sure I will have to phone this number again and again and again and each time I will speak to a new and possibly chirpier Darius/Damian or Selena/ Serena but just for now, for the next few minutes that we’re together let’s pretend we’re not equals, let’s pretend you’re here to serve me, not in any inappropriate ‘master/slave’ kind of way either but rather as a customer and ‘retail facilitator’.

No I’m not meaning to be rude, truly I’m not.

Hello, hello … hello Darius ... Selena ... are you still there … don’t you dare hang up on me …?