Cafes, Toilets and Self Preservation

I was chatting to a friend the other day a fellow writer and we were trying to organise a time to meet up to go through a project she is working on, for some reason she values my flawed advice ... mad woman. We decided that we would meet at Forbes and Burton on Monday at 9.45. Handy for me, I live just around the corner - walking distance really - so naturally I drive, I like to do my bit for Global Warming. Her timing is perfect, I've an appointment at the Doctors at midday and luckily enough my Doctors is right next door to the Cafe. My Dentist, who I am seeing on Thursday, has rooms just up from my Doctors very near to Forbes and Burton, walking distance to my house. I realised that I don't travel very far these days.

There is a VERY good reason for it as well - read on if you dare.

My Facebook friend Jeffery Self, who I have never met but follow like a love struck Emo, says in one of his latest Blogs that he has a terror of wearing his 'grey skinny jeans' and what accidents may happen in and with them. He's always worried that any stray drop of water may leave a 'wet spot' and people will consider him tardy in his ablutions.

Well suck it up sister I say.

If you want terror try walking a metre in my Abercrombie and Fitches Bitches. I have a pathological terror of being caught short and needing to... well you know... do it ... no not that ... that. Yes, "that". So I plan every outing like a military invasion or more accurately 'evacuation'. I have been known to scour Google maps searching for restrooms, Cafes with conveniences and Gas Stations with facilities. I've taken to wearing the Bridget Jones underwear, tight and secure around the legs, just in case, (also they give me a bum). There's an image to take to bed with you tonight.

While we are on Cafes and Toilets - the other Cafe` I really like is at Perry Lane, it's a little space not much bigger than a lounge room. It's also used as an Art Gallery , for emerging local artists. It's run by the very beautiful and gentle Christopher and his Mother - it attracts a VERY groovy crowd ... and me. But here's the rub, their Toilet Facilities are located near the kitchen and very public ... not as public as the picture posted but public enough that I know that any sound made in that inner sanctum can and will be heard by not only the Chef but every fabulous fashionista sitting at the outdoor tables. I know that if I ever went to the aforementioned Loo I would be mocked, scorned and pointed at by all the bright young things of Paddington who sit with their Macs and smoke cigarettes while sipping a Fair Trade latte as they write their next Booker Prize winning novel. My friend, Hugo, says I should go in and try it ... make a noise and he will tell me honestly if he can hear any thing ... yeah right. As if I am going to place the last shreds of my dignity into the hands of one of my best friends. It's much easier to just write about it on here and not worry about the roll of the eyes as they sigh and say things like "get over yourself queen as if anyone is interested in what you do in a toilet any more".

Continuing the theme of my life lived through the pursuit of the perfect placement of public pissoirs - every year I do some little amount of Exam supervision for one of the 'better' schools in Sydney to supplement the HUGE amount of money I make writing *cough*, in the week leading up to it I always test drive the area and make sure that all the Restrooms I remember are still open and in working order. I check out where is best to park and how long it will take me to walk from my car to the school, I allow 5 minutes of leeway just in case I have to stop when crossing a road. Once or twice it has been touch and go. My (two) bosses there are very understanding.

Well that's probably enough about me and my bowels strolling down the avenue, oh wait that's not how the song goes.

Anyway it's Sunday and it's Sunday Brunch group meeting - I have to get there early to secure the table and make sure the toilets are working. If you made it this far thanks for reading if you haven't then boy did you miss a ride.